It Happened To Me: my sex-induced vaginal prolapse turned out to be something even worse It felt like I was chewing gum between my legs when I walked.

My two biggest fears:

  • Ghosts of children
  • Vaginal/anal prolapse

My fear of #2 began when someone had sent me this disgusting link. Warning: this will most likely make your butt feel weird, and haunt you more than a million evil, dead children with vendettas ever could.

So fucking scary, right? After the jump, I’ll tell you about the living nightmare of when that nearly happened to my vagina. (Don’t worry, the following is not nearly is disturbing as that link. I promise.)

Friday

It all started (as these things usually do) with a drunken night out with mah gurls, which included lethal to-go margs from the Hat, stealing someone’s bottle service at the Delancey, losing my wallet, and attending an after-hours party at some artist’s Williamsburg studio with a dude from the band Swords.

By 8 am, I was in a mood to make poor decisions. I decided to go home with someone I never would have, had my vision not been impaired by 14 hours of drinking. Every last one of mah gurls advised/begged me not to. But I was in a belligerent state.

My inner monologue was like, “Nobody tells me what to do!”

He was an elfin guy, a typical Williamsburg manorexic, with dainty features. Well-aware of his tiny stature, he seemed determined to compensate by trying to convince me that he had a huge dick.

“We just have to stop at the bodega to get some condoms. I need extra-large condoms. I need to get Magnums.”

His redundancy was irksome, but not as much as the fact that a Williamsburg dude was speaking without a trace of irony in his voice.

“I wear really big condoms,” he repeated. Yeah, yeah, I’m not really size queen, so let’s just do this, I thought. I have some energy to burn off before I’ll be able to fall asleep.

Quite predictably, my suitor’s dick wasn’t nearly as big as his talk. My memory of the fucking is hazy at best. At one point, though, I realized that the Magnum that was so detrimental to this fuck sesh was not on his D. I flipped out, thinking that he tried to to raw dog me without my consent. He apologized and swore that the condom had just “broken.” Again with the delusions of his dick size! He put on another and finished up his business.

Saturday

I noticed that it was a little uncomfortable to walk. The truth is, the little guy with the imaginary big dick was the third dude I’d been with in four days. (What? I was having a good week!) I thought that maybe I’d just worked my girl a little too hard.

Sunday

I got a call from Eeyore, a guy I had been banging who’d earned his moniker by being cute, sad, and pathetic. Although attractive, he was mostly a loser—a homeless, alcoholic bassist for a not-so-great Brooklyn band, who are moderately successful. Having been molested as a child, several times over, he sought approval by being good in the sack. The result is that he was one of the best lays of my life.

Needless to say, I almost always let him come to me when he called, and cum on me when he asked.

That night, I agreed to meet him at Enid’s, but only because he promised to buy me a drink. When I walked in, he was chatting up some girl. I rolled my eyes, plopped my giant bag on the bar, and ordered a glass of red wine. He only had $5 of the $7 the glass cost, and he had to borrow $2 from the girl he had been previously hitting on. The girl gave him the 2 bucks and left, totally annoyed. He’s a piece of work, that one.

But I put up with his shit for the sex. About an hour later, we engaged in one of our usual runs, which included a long session of oral (one of his better talents), some doggy style at night, and spooning morning sex.

About an hour after our morning sesh, I noticed that it was kinda uncomfortable to walk again. It kinda felt like the walls of my vadge where rubbing up on each other. That’s it, I thought, no hitting it below the belt until things go back to normal.

Tuesday

My vaginal discomfort continued at work that week, and I was beginning to get a little concerned. It felt like I was chewing gum between my legs when I walked. I retreated to the bathroom for a much-needed pee break. When I was finished, I gently patted my area with my hand to feel if anything was out of the ordinary.

To my horror, a piece of…something was hanging out of my vagina hole. It felt fleshy. Standing in the office bathroom, legs spread, heart pounding, face contorted into a grimace, I began to gently tug at the U.F.O. (unidentified fleshy object).

It shifted! It began to come out of my hole! My eyes welled up with tears, and my breathing became shallow. This is it, I thought. I’ve finally done it. I had too much sex and I broke my vagina. I’ve fucked it inside out.

The dreaded vaginal prolapse!!!

There was no pain. I must be in shock, I thought. Shaking, I continued tugging, then the U.F.O. tumbled out completely. I thought I would vomit, but before I could even gag, I looked down at my shaking hand and gasped.

It was a very large condom.

That fucker who so desperately needed those Magnums didn’t break the condom—his dick was too small for it and it fell off inside me!

At first I was too relieved to know that my vagina was not falling out from inside my body to be angry at the dude with the average-sized D. On my way back to my desk, I began laughing—manically. I think I was experiencing temporary insanity.

But then, within a few minutes, I was again gripped with anxiety. OMG! How horribly embarrassing would it have been if Eeyore had found that rubber during his lengthy trip downtown?

Well, I thought, with an evil smirk on my face, not as embarrassing as having to borrow $2 from one bitch to pay for the drink of another.

P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.

I'm like, smart.

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Disgusted
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Disgusted

Holy shit, what a disgusting creature you are

cinnarose
Guest
cinnarose

I’m glad this happened to someone else besides me. That was one horrifying, cold-water-poured-down-spine trip to the bathroom, let me tell you. Also lead to my first usage of the morning after pill. Better than pregnancy, but worse than any hangover/stomach flu I’ve ever had.

LL
Guest
LL

Hilarious – this happened to me for the first time. When you get up and realize that the condom is MIA – that’s when you know you’re in for a hunt. Truly terrifying.

lazyache
Guest
lazyache

awesome story. i think something like this might have happened to me once…. but its hazy so i cant confirm.

regardless your writing is very entertaining.

thank you.

pilar
Guest
pilar

sadly, I have had BOTH of these things happen to me. The “weightlifting” issue as a child (and it resolved itself on it’s own) and the lost condom several years ago. I survived both 🙂

Maria
Guest
Maria

I am always quite aware of what’s going on inside the vadge. Every time I wash it in the shower, I stick a finger in – no soap! – to make sure it’s all fine. Sometimes there are some period-end bits and pieces and normal secretions that I would not like my boyfriend to find. Gross, you might think, but if you never look, how could you know you don’t have any of that?

Ashley
Guest
Ashley

That kinda happened to me too. I was doin it with my boyfriend (of 4yrs) and we never use condoms he usually just pulls out but we decided to this time and when he finished we saw that it had broke. He said tha top piece was still inside me. I didn’t think so and it took me a while to find it. It was sooo weird.

Maury Stottlemeyer
Guest
Maury Stottlemeyer

Happened to me an’ the wife years ago. The junk stayed in for 9 mos. Our son was born with a little rubber beanie on and his little skull molded into a reservoir-tip shape….

yermaam
Guest
yermaam

Homeless bass players. So classy. I fucking love New York. Hope your herp stays offa me.

Breestyle
Guest
Breestyle

just found your blog and, after emailing it to all my best gal friends, have been reading non stop. When I got to the “I’ve fucked it inside out” bit of this post, I could not control my laughter, even though my poor roommates are sleeping–it was like trying to stifle a moan; it starts to hurt after awhile and you just have to give in to it. I love your casually-open style of writing, mixed with wit and charm. Basically, you made my long-ass day end on a really high note. Thanks, lady!

dnm
Guest
dnm

meh. It comes with being a dirty slut.

sparklytoesfairydustbutt
Guest
sparklytoesfairydustbutt

Once I left a tampon in and forgot about it… about a week later the smell keyed me in that I might need to investigate. Another time this happened with a condom… left it in, it stated to smell funny about a week later. This was during a time in my life when I was inibriated frequently. Once a gynocologist found some wadded up toilet paper way deep inside from a time when I must have been having an emergency… that had been in for at least a month!

Me
Guest
Me

I too have fished a condom out of my vagina…but had no idea for two weeks…gross and totally possible. I’m probably sterile now.

Twinks
Guest
Twinks

I’ve had this happen once before too-after we finished i went to pee and gave birth to a condom! I can relate how you didn’t know it was there cause i didn’t!

cheekychap
Guest
cheekychap

LOL! Ladies, its not that we wear too large condoms it staying inside the lady until the little man is flacid enough to slide out of the condom and leave it in there. I am not making excuses. i am just saying its manslaughter, not murder. If that makes sense.

abby
Guest
abby

Irony much? Literally about nine minutes after reading this, I went to the bathroom and found A DEAD ANT chillin’ on my lips. Yep, last night the boyfriend and I were canoodling outside, and I sort of want to kill myself now.
Can you get diseases from that?!

Gravymaster
Guest
Gravymaster

The weightlifter thing is obviously bogus — even though the blowout would have been traumatic, it wouldn’t have ripped his spandex singlet and sprayed the 3rd spotter.

Just sayin’. Also, I think I can see a condom hanging out of his prolapse. There’s the real culprit. He was actually powerlifting his boyfriend’s junk.

Jason
Guest
Jason

Thats just nasty, no self respecting human could possibly enjoy living like that. condoms in ur shit and not even knowing?? if u dont see a problem there, then theres something wrong with u. no offense of course.

Encountered
Guest
Encountered

I swear to god, this EXACT thing happened to me. Holy shit! I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone else.

Crazy.

l.a. lemonade
Guest
l.a. lemonade

oh my god i am so glad i found this posting even though it is so old. this happenned to me just last week and like everyone else i thought i was the only person this happenned to! hazy drug-addled memories of asking him to put on a condom each time we screwed on a friday night but another vague recollection of an unsheathed penis being removed, with no thought as to the mysterious disappearing act of the condom. the worst thing about this is that i finally found the… ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT! that is FIVE FULL DAYS of a condom just hanging out and chilling in vag. i started laughing maniacally in the shower as i pulled it out, half horrified half overcome by the absurdity of the situation. and overcome with relief that i had not hooked up with this other guy i’d been talking to in the intermediary period, because finding some other dude’s condom in a girl’s vag has GOT to be the ultimate dealbreaker…. especialy if oral sex is involved

susan
Guest
susan

youll prolly never see tis comment bc this was posted so long ago, but this once happened to me with a tampon. i was fucking my bf every day for a week before i finally decided to see what the NASTY NASTY funk was down there. i stuck my finger in there, and felt something deep inside, i pulled at the “u.f.o” and out came a 1-2 week old tampon. NASTY.

ptowner
Guest
ptowner

the best part of this post is that this is probably the peak of the swords’ (a defunct, failed, mediocre portland band) meager fame.

Oh sh1t!
Guest
Oh sh1t!

This happened to me more than once…. the last time it happened, we were both drunk and passed out. Totally forgot about it in the morning (though I SWEAR he didn’t tell me he lost it – thats my story and I’m sticking to it). A week later, after sex with someone else, I’m feeling some SERIOUS pain in the side of my stomach and throwing up. I go to the emergency room, because I can’t sit up, let alone stand up for long. Imagine my embarassment when the ER doctor goes in and pulls out a condom. HORRIBLE! But the painkillers? Heavenly!

Its also happened in a not as painful, but just as embarassing way. It came out after sex with someone else. He wakes me up like “look what I found!” YUCK!

GGG
Guest
GGG

This happened to me too!!! We thought the condom got lost somewhere in the bed. Went to the bathroom the next day & out it came. Glad to know this has happened to others 🙂

vicariolicious
Guest
vicariolicious

something very similar happened to me with a dude who was too huge for the condoms he was using. we realized the condom was stuck up there, so i went to the bathroom and squeezed it out with my kegels… and 2 condoms came out! if the second one hadn’t gotten stuck we would’ve never found the first one! thank god!

cecejrg
Guest
cecejrg

OMG i thought i was the only one that has happened to. It sucks and freaks you out. Once i knew it was stuck but didnt know how to take it out so i just waited it out…then i got scared of some sort of plstics disease, i am laughing out loud like a maniac when i read this im new to ur site and i LOVE IT. thanks 😀

Elan
Guest
Elan

Damn…this shit happened to me the other day. The smell of a 2 day old condom that has been stuck in puss is absolutely horrible

Abby
Guest
Abby

OMG!! this happened to me. I thought I got some horrible disease from a lousy one night stand. I got a doc’s appt and the day before my appt, that bitch fell out in the toilet.

Jeff
Guest
Jeff

Man, the whole time Eyore was munching that shit, another man’s spunk was seeping out of spent condom!

melinda
Guest
melinda

once that happened to a girl i was in a open relationship with, when she hooked up with this guy friend in a drunken haze. a few days later, she asked me to help her out downtown just to “make sure everything inside was okay.” at this point, i didn’t know she’d hooked up with the dude. i agreed to help her out, and my grossest fears were confirmed. i think it’s one of the best experiences i ever had in university. best ever. i resolved never to have sex with her ever again, but she was really hot and i was expecting to get some that night.

megan
Guest
megan

Holy shit that’s the craziest / funniest thing I have ever read. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!

citytropic
Guest
citytropic

this is fuckin ghilarious, mostly because my boyfriend (and i do love him) left various condoms inside of me at the beginning of our relationship. since i’ve gone on birth control, it hasn’t been a problem. the best part is that they were regular-sized condoms. but i’m not a size queen either, and he’s great with his tongue.

Gillian
Guest
Gillian

haha, i love that weightlifter picture, that’s so fucking gross! this has happened to me a bunch of times, the first time when i was in high school and i was afraid i’d have to go to the emergency room to get it out. it’s definitely an unpleasant experience. yuck.

yortu
Guest
yortu

Stumbled across this online. Enjoy.

A rectovaginal fistula is a medical condition where there is a fistula or abnormal connection between the rectum and the vagina. Rectovaginal fistula may be extremely debilitating. If the opening between the rectum and vagina is wide it will allow both flatulence and feces to escape through the vagina, leading to fecal incontinence. There is an association with recurrent urinary and vaginal infections.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectovaginal_fistula

Bubba Flea
Guest
Bubba Flea

Thank goodness for Snopes!

http://www.snopes.com/photos/prolapse.asp

Of course, the picture is not faked – it’s just not a weightlifter. I shudder to say this, but it was likely self-inflicted. (Anal fisting – *shudder*)

I liked your story better anyway.

Kissdahskye
Guest
Kissdahskye

OMG…this shit happened to me just the other day. I also thought that I had broke my precious vagina.
Thought I was the only mothafucka that dealt with this type of shit.
This is a funny ass story…lol

Redstallyun
Guest
Redstallyun

OMG! Isn’t that the grossest shit ever? It’s happened at least 4 times to me- I know a lotta lil dick fuckers that INSIST on wearin Magnums.

a
Guest
a

Ok…the weightlifter pic is scary, but the condom in the vagina scarier. I’d be freaking out. Was there spillage in the vagina?!?! My imagination would be working overtime!

One D At a Time
Guest
One D At a Time

No spillage, but there was some brownish gook. Think end-of-period-dried-blood-light-flow. I went to the gyno to check if I had TSS, but I didn’t. You must have to leave shit up your front hole for like weeks before you get sick with that.