There are times when, as a parent, you need a lot of patience. Like, every single day. And then there are times when you need extreme patience. These are those times.
You just need a minute to yourself but, no.
The other day, I was looking for medicine of mine that I’d misplaced. I was worried that I’d lost it and might need to call in a replacement. My daughter walked into my bedroom. “Mommy, can you find my leotard?” she asked. Dance class, mind you, wasn’t until the next day. “Honey, I just need to look for something, give me a minute, OK?” I said. She stood there. A minute later, “Mommy, I need my leotard!” Grrr.
Playroom chaos returns
You have just finished neatening up the playroom, or gotten it as relatively cleaned up as it will ever be, when, BAM! Your little guy dumps out the basket full of blocks/trucks/LEGOS/whatever.
The supermarket checkout line
“Put that down right now! You cannot have a candy bar. Yes, that lady has a lot of stuff. I don’t know how big her family is, but what people buy is not our business, sweetie. We don’t eat Doritos in our house. I’m not getting into why right now. I need you to stop putting your doll on the conveyor belt. I said “no” to every candy bar. Yes, the lady on that magazine cover has big boobies. Yes, that candy bar too! Whining is not allowed in supermarkets, so you need to stop or they will kick us out!”
The lunch wars
You: “Please eat your mac ‘n cheese.”
Kid: Stares at mac ‘n cheese.
You: “Please, you’ve only taken a few bites, can you eat some more?
Kid: Stares at mac ‘n cheese.
You: “But sweetie, it’s your favorite!”
The pediatrician wait room
What’s going through your mind: Why have we had to wait for 45 minutes? Is this doctor quadruple-booking time slots? My boy looks miserable, this is not right. I think those toys might be prehistoric, they are that dirty. Wonder how long the flu virus can live on toys. OMG, I think that child has chicken pox. What are we gonna catch sitting here and breathing in the air? If I have to wait any longer I am finding a new pediatrician! Does he think we have nothing better to do than sit around in a germ hothouse for 45 minutes? I’m gonna sue!
Sibling fights over absolutely, positively nothing
How it is possible that they are screeching and wailing on each other over a piece of Play-doh for the last 10 minutes, you do not know, but now you are on the verge of screeching.
Can’t you ever wear a nice outfit around the kids?
She did not just wipe her nose on the sleeve of your silk blouse. She did not.
Parenting by relatives
They mean well. But when your mother-in-law or Great Aunt Bessie or whatever kin give you their pointers on discipline, feeding, clothing and other stuff, you are all too tempted to say, “Last time I checked, I’M THE MOM!!!”
Bedtime delay tactics
He wants a cup of water. He needs to use the bathroom. Did you know that his class is going on a trip next month to the aquarium? Wait, his blanket has come off and he needs help getting it back on. Now he’s up and standing in the doorway of the bedroom and saying he’s not tired. He needs a little more water. Actually, he’s kind of hungry. And tomorrow is science day at school! (Repeat repeat repeat.)
P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.