Pregnancy is definitely a love/hate relationship. One of the things I do not love about pregnancy is all the advice and comments you get — particularly from strangers. Lately I have found that these unwanted gestures tend to get worse as you near your due date. When someone says something to me, I usually just smile or do my best to fake a laugh. Luckily I am not one to take offense easily, so if you know me and have said any of these things listed below, do not fret as I still love you.
I have been keeping a list of things not to say to pregnant women to So if you fall into one of these categories: Listen up.
“Your boobs are huge!”
Do not under any circumstance say this. Much to my dismay, I’ve had a huge rack my entire life, so why are you surprised they are larger during pregnancy? This is what happens when you are creating a life in your belly. The milk has to have somewhere to store itself! Also, stop comparing yourself to me after you make this comment with, “Mine didn’t get that big!” Good for you. Guess what? Mine did. Have you not ever seen a large pair of boobs before? Unless you have lived under a rock your entire life, I am sure you have, so enough with the boob comments.
“You must be eating for two!”
Translation to a pregnant woman: I’m huge. Why can’t I double fist my cookies and ice cream in peace? It’s really the only time in life a woman can indulge without the guilt, so let us have it. If you are making this comment out of jealousy, then I suggest you go get yourself knocked up.
“You must be ready to pop!”
Again you are insinuating I am huge. People started saying this to me when I was seven months along. When I would tell them I had another three months to go, a look of horror came over their face. I’m 5’2″, people: Seven months pregnant on me looks like 20 months pregnant on a normal person. Secondly, of course I am ready. Who likes carrying around a soccer ball in their crotch for months? I have been ready to pop since the third month.
“How much weight have you gained?”
Luckily this has only been asked a few times, but when it was, I suddenly heard a record scratch. What? Who asks this? Didn’t your momma ever teach you to mind your manners? If you are asking from a competitive aspect, I will just lie so it makes me better than you. Just a heads up.
“Are you having any more kids?”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a question better suited for after my lady parts have returned to normal. The farthest thing from my mind right now is starting over in pregnancy! Plus your question will just result in a “HELL-TO-THE-NO!” Now, if you would like to be my surrogate along with give me a winning lotto ticket, then I will reconsider my answer.
“You really shouldn’t be doing that”
Are you my doctor? Or even a doctor at all? Then shut your mouth. Offering help is one thing but offering unsolicited advice about things that are supported in the medical community is not acceptable. I know the limits. If I want to have caffeine, I can. If I want to have a glass of wine here or there, I can too. If you see me at a bar chugging martinis and partaking in illegal substances, then I fully support you not only punching me in the face, but also calling the cops to have me arrested. I think that’s fair.
“OMG, when I was in labor I almost died”
Hey doomsday queen, look at my belly. I am still pregnant. Know what that means? I still have to deliver this baby and the last thing I want to hear is your terrible birth story. I am still living in the possibility of having the perfect scenario of a pain free, two-push birth. I would love to hear your story, but preferably after my baby is born. Deal? Good.
“It can’t be that bad”
I love when men say this to me. And to answer you: “IT IS!” Somewhere deep in our sadistic brains, women only tend to remember the outcome of pregnancy. This is the only reason we do it again. It is brutal and it sucks — period. If at anytime you men would like to trade places with us through a pregnancy and birth, I will gladly take you up on that. Keep me posted.
I’m am sure this list could go on forever but these are my favorite so far. Hopefully this will clear up the air on what is appropriate and what isn’t when speaking to a pregnant woman. If you have any to add please share in the comments below.
P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.