The case against marriage The 10 main reasons the institution of marriage is outdated and should be thrown on the rubbish heap of history.

Editor’s Note: This post is being featured along with a post that makes the case FOR marriage. We wanted to present two different opinions about whether or not marriage is still relevant, important, and valuable today.

Marriage is one of the dumbest social institutions out there, and I can think of at least 10 good reasons why:

1. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I’m in love and/or committed.

When I say I’m against marriage, people often think I’m against romantic relationships in general. I am NOT. Romantic relationships are wonderful, and most of us benefit from having them at least at some point of our lives. We humans are social animals and we need intimate, long-term connection to be healthy and happy.

However, what I don’t understand is why we need to sign a piece of paper in order to make a commitment to each other? We can love each other and live together happily ever after without that piece of paper. Love and commitment do not need our signature on a piece of paper; they need our hearts and minds to be in the right place.

2. I don’t need a piece of paper to stay faithful.

I don’t personally want to stay faithful “no matter what”, but for the many people out there who do, it seems like marriage makes infidelity a bigger crime than if you’re ‘only’ dating. A roommate once cheated on his fiancée (with me) a few weeks before their wedding, saying that once he was married, he wouldn’t be able to do such things. Really? You think your fiancée would think it was less of a big deal to sleep with me before than after the wedding? If you have a promise to be faithful to each other in a romantic relationship, breaking that promise is equally bad and hurtful to the partner. Many people end up cheating on their spouses anyway. So it’s not much of a protection against it.

3. The state has no business regulating my private life.

Marriage is a social contract with the state. You follow our rules, the state says, be a good and predictable citizen (who will buy a house, get mortgages, have kids, save for those kids’ college tuition, etc.), and we’ll give you all these awesome benefits. Why should the state give a damn about who I sleep with, love, and/or live with (as long as it’s consensual)? That’s my own private life and the state should have nothing to do with it.

4. It’s highly discriminatory!

All those financial and other ​​​benefits ​​that married couples get that do not extend to single people and people in other alternative relationships – that’s pure and straightforward discrimination!

5. Weddings are really really expensive and you don’t get much out of them.

You do get a few photos, a tremendous amount of stress, and much time completely wasted. Why feed into the whole wedding business? Flower baskets?! Wedding pictures?! Really?! Go on a month-long vacation instead.

6. Divorce is bad.

Divorce is even more expensive, and an emotional bitch too. Half of your friends, colleagues, relatives are probably already divorced by now, with nothing but awful, heartbreaking stories to show for it.

Oh, but you think it’s not gonna happen to you, don’t you?

7. Divorce is common.

Common as in ​​50% of first marriages end in divorce. The number for 2nd and 3rd marriages goes up to 75%!

Sure, not all people have the same likelihood of divorce (your chances are lower if you’re White, highly educated, financially well-off, and married later), but everyone is vulnerable. No one enters a marriage thinking they’ll get a divorce – they enter a marriage thinking they’ll live together happily every after! Yet, a few years down the road, they’ll be at each other’s throats. It is VERY likely it will happen to you too.

Every time I see or go to a wedding, I think to myself, 1 in 2 chances, guys, 1 in 2. Yeah, that’s awfully cynical of me, but you can’t argue against reality. (Unless you’re a Republican in today’s America, but I’m digressing…)

8. Of those not divorced, many are MISERABLE or at least not particularly happy.

In a ​​survey​ of over 20,000 U.S. married couples, about 25% of them were pretty miserable – as in both partners were pretty dissatisfied with their marriage. Another 50% were either so-so satisfied, or one partner was happy but the other one was not. Only 25% of married couples were actually both happy. Only 25%. Add these numbers to the 50% divorce rate, and you get that about 13% of married couples who are and will remain happy and fulfilled in their marriages for the rest of their lives.

You still think you have a chance?

9. Isn’t marriage good for women, at least?

That is soooo wrong! Marriage is much better for men than women.

  • Men typically reap more physical and emotional health benefits from marriage than do women. Even when those marriages are not particularly happy.
  • Women benefit from marriage, physically and emotionally, ONLY if the marriage is a happy one. Otherwise, their well-being suffers.
  • Women are also twice more likely to initiate divorce, and less likely to want to remarry after they learned their lesson.

So why is it that it always seems to be women who want to get married, and men who’re trying to dodge the issue for as long as they can?! The best explanation I can come up with is socialization. Women are taught from a very early age to desire marriage, dream of the big wedding, covet the white picket fence. Men are allowed to be more adventurous in their aspirations, at least for a while (eventually, they’re expected to get married too, but the pressure comes later in life and is not as overwhelming).

10. Kids don’t need their parents to be married in order to be happy and healthy.

Kids don’t need their parents to have signed a piece of paper that they’re married in order for them to be happy and healthy. What they do need are parents (1, 2, 3+) who love them, love each other, and care for them and each other. Whether or not they are legally married is completely irrelevant! All over Western Europe, more and more couples are having children without being legally married, even though they live together. I can’t wait for that more progressive attitude to come to the US.

The bottom line: Just love and enjoy each other for as long as you do. There is no need to make it more difficult to separate once you stop enjoying each other. More often than not, that time will come much sooner than you think.

P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.

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Simplicity9_abliss
Guest
Simplicity9_abliss

I think this article clearly states the fact that love and happiness is not determined by a piece of paper. I totally agree on this. Although I have never been engaged or married (yet) I do have the desire to walk down the aisle. However, I also think it’s important to know what your partner thinks. It should be a step in both your lives that is mutual. It’s true, your heart and mind have to be in the right and same place if the relationship is to last, but in all case everyone has a right to decide what is best for them. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.

Lisa Thomson
Guest
Lisa Thomson

Yes, I agree with these reasons why the ‘piece of paper’ isn’t necessary. However, even in ‘common law’ relationships people have legal rights. This has been an improvement. I think this post is a little too cynical even for me. Why judge the ones who want it? The optimists, the young and family oriented people still buy into the fairytale so let them. Let’s not be mean about it and say they’ll likely learn their lesson as the stats show. I love attending a wedding as everyone is happy as opposed to a funeral for example. What’s missing is Divorce celebration parties for those of us moving through that rite of passage. Great topic!

Robin
Guest
Robin

Having discussed and lived this question in a committed co-habiting relationship and then in a marriage, the most important factor of a relationship is not mentioned in your post, that I can find.

That is the legal structure bestowed upon a marriage. Establishing a legal structure to your relationship is extremely important. When things are rosy, all parties are at their best to agree how they want to disagree. This does not have to be estalished with a marriage, but any mixing of finances or division of labor is a commitment, a business partnership. Any business partnership needs to be defined by the two people (or more) entering into it.

It is no less a problem with people who decide to remain unmarried. In fact, it is more so, because with people who examine marriage and decide to take the step, they are at least, hopefully, saying they understand the rules and are agreeing to them, or are redefining them to better suit their situation.

When people mix finances and labor and property and kids without an agreement of some sort, not only do break ups occur, but it is difficult to protect those parties who may be injured. Getting married in the eyes of the state or a religion is not important to me, but defining responsibility and obligations and how possessions will be divided up, when things don’t work out, is critically important.

In other words, one can be financially and emotionally injured in the dissolution of a non-marriage as well as a marriage. It can be even more expensive than a divorce to establish obligations to children or division of property without a preexisting legal agreement of some sort. Acting like, “one just packs their sh*t and goes if things don’t work out,” can be a disastrous oversight with far reaching repercussions.

Been there, done both.
Would never live together without a contract again, Much Love, Fondly, Robin

Patty O
Guest
Patty O

Honey, I completely agree with every one of your reasons. I’ve been married a long time; if i were to have do-overs, I’d still choose the same guy, have the kids, buy the house, etc., but would skip the state-sanctioned part. I have many friends who want to marry and can’t, because the pinheads in the legislature are bigots. So I would add Reason #11: Until EVERYBODY can get married, nobody should.

Ladyjwanderlust
Guest
Ladyjwanderlust

Great article. As an engaged woman… once we got engaged I realized that the actual marriage was not as important as I thought — it was like a veil had been lifted.

I felt happy in my loving relationship. I felt safe *something I hear my married women friends tell me is a benefit they enjoy, that somehow I am NOT yet enjoying since I am merely a single woman*.

So, will we get married? Who knows. But we discussed it and came up with the conclusion that sounded very similar to the points you outlined. Good for you for putting this kind of information out there — I am not sure if marriage is as important in today’s society as I feel with women’s greater financial and social success, we can choose to stay in relationships that are beneficial to our hearts and souls, rather than our wallets.