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12 super offensive Xmas songs to get you in the mood for the stress to come Abusive Christmas songs are just as traditional as the more saccharine stuff -- and a lot more palatable.
With twelve days to Xmas it’s time we got in the mood, so here’s twelve songs to count down the days and help get you through the next twelve sleepless nights you’ll be having — quivering with excitement as you wait for Santa to come down the chimney and make his sentence known. We all know there’s nothing worse than cheery Christmas songs about baby Jesus in some manger waiting to receive his gifts from the three bloody kings. I like my noëls to have swearing and derogatory lyrics, I want to hear about the three kings gang banging Mary under the mistletoe, while Joseph fellates a cow, and Santa…
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Trading sex for money and drugs: what it’s like to be a street prostitute The hard lives of street prostitutes are very different from our idealized images of 'high-class' call girls.
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10 reasons going to the beach is like going to hell Hot, dry, and full of nearly naked strangers. But it gets so much worse.
With January over and done with, our daydreams are finally starting to incorporate summer and beaches. And by we, I mean everyone but me. I’m not going anywhere near a beach. Here’s why. If the current takes you, you get swept into a river of lost souls. Any time you go into the ocean, you best keep looking back to see how far you’ve strayed — or run the risk of getting pulled into an undercurrent. If you’re farther out than you think you should be, it’s not your mind playing tricks on you. You’ve been swept into the river of lost souls and you probably won’t make it. There…
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How to put fit fun back in the family vacation The earlier kids learn healthy behavior, the better. Here's how to combine fit and fun this vacation.
Recently, on my first trip to the Hawaiian Islands, I was gob-smacked at the number of families there. Not just there, but there doing things together, active things, outdoor things of the adventurous ilk. As soon as I checked into the Westin Maui, I began noticing a trickle of active families, which soon intensified and wove its way through my entire stay. There went a mom and her teen son, jogging in the cool, early morning along a coast-hugging path (not a trophy, blonde-bombshell mama, by the way). Trailing behind her boy, she beamed a prideful “I know, can you believe this young man is my son?!” look as I…
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How to survive your family during the holidays A survival guide.
Sure. Okay! YOUR family is just soooo fucking perfect. Everyone gets along! You love to spend hours catching up on the 364 days of the year. Breaking bread with blood is the best! Look at you special you you guy you. Golly and jolly! Yay Christmas! Yay Hanukkah! Fuck Hanukkah. Fart Fuck Christmas. Yeah… Fart Fuck Christmas. “Hey, Andy why don’t you chill out, bro and get a grip! Be thankful for what you have! Life’s too short.” Fuck that guy (even though I wrote it; fuck me too.) Like most of us, our immediate family (for lack of a better word)…suck. There’s a reason why you don’t talk to…
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7 gifts girls never want to receive The seven gifts you should avoid buying for your girlfriend this Christmas—or any occasion.
It’s that time of the year again: You’re prepping to spend way too much time with the kin, maybe traveling across country to see them, and stressing the hell out about getting non-repulsive gifts for your loved ones. And if you have a special lady friend in your life, you may also be doubting every swipe of your credit card (or cricket sound coming from your bank account). The supreme principle of gift giving is finding something specific to your relationship that makes your loved one feel happy and loved. Because there’s already way too much pressure on you, here are some tips on gifts to definitely avoid, along with…
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Women now so powerful our orgasms can cause earthquakes On Iranian clerics, and owning our omnipotent vagina powers which we can wield at will.
