Every year, the lovely folks over at OkCupid compile a comprehensive report “to find out what we’ve learned, how we’ve changed and what the future holds.” In other words, they run a bunch of data through some sort of algorithm to come up with reasons behind people’s disinterest in you. The end result is a list of things you’re definitely gonna want to know, even if you’re not on a dating site. Even if you’re not dating in general.
Maybe the Emojis you’re using are the least likely to warrant a response. Maybe your opinion regarding certain matters is unpopular, or just straight up wrong (yes, opinions can be wrong, don’t argue with me on this) or maybe you just smell! Maybe all you need to do is try a new deodorant!
Whatever the reason may be, OkCupid has got you covered. Them’s the facts, and the facts don’t lie. Unless you happen to do everything on this list, in which case you’re probably just ugly. I’M KIDDING.
1. You don’t participate in “self-love”
More than HALF of OkCupid users masturbate at least several times a week, so if this is a topic you find taboo, maybe work on appreciating yourself on a spiritual level…then progress to a physical one. Choke the chicken. Clean the bean. PET THE POODLE.
2. You aren’t open to new things
Specifically, bondage. More than 58% of people on the site have a desire to participate in bondage (up 5% from 2014!), with 60% of those preferring to be the ones tied up. Maybe it’s time to get all BDSM in the B-room, if youknowwhatimsayin’.
3. You’re communicating all wrong
Guess what? The report found that “A message simply saying ‘hey’ has an 84% chance of being ignored.” Instead, try asking a personal question, telling a joke, sending a picture, or use one of the following Emojis:
Apparently, these are the top Emojis to use if you want to elicit a response because they are highly emotional. But, ya know, use common sense and make sure you’re not sending angry-face-Emoji prior to the first date. Bad look.
4. You’re of the wrong opinion
Ok sure, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and no opinion is technically “wrong”, blah blah blah, but there’s a reason you aren’t getting any dates so maybe shut your mouth and lend an ear, yeah? Specifically, the following six questions each have one answer voted to be the most important:
TL;DR- Don’t be racist, don’t be a junkie, don’t smell like shit, and don’t be a misogynist. Pretty simple, right? If you can’t handle these basic maneuvers, you probably don’t deserve to hold another person’s hand anyway.
5. You’re religious
Don’t get me wrong- there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with your religious beliefs (unless you are a Scientologist, in which case aren’t you banned from being on the Internet or something?) That being said, 1 in 4 OkCupid users are non-believers, a fact which probably has more to do with the age demographic than anything else.
6. You’re a Trump supporter
The use of the words “Trump” and “idiocracy” increased exponentially…in relation to one another. Seems as though most folks on OkCupid were into Hillary/Bernie in 2015.
7. You like Miley Cyrus more than Taylor Swift
I don’t know about this one, man, but T.Swift had a 114% grow in profile mentions to Miley Cyrus’ 58% decrease. She came in like a wrecking ball, leaving a foul taste in people’s mouths. What this says about you as a dateable human is anyone’s guess, but facts are facts.
As a 20-something millennial who isn’t currently on a dating site, I’d have to agree with all of the data above. Although this list isn’t an all-inclusive one, it gives an interesting insight into the intricacies of online meeting and greeting. Just something to keep in mind next time you shoot a “hey” text to somebody you’re feelin’.
Ps. Support a struggling genius boy wonder artist by buying his highly collectible NFTs.