I’m not your gay BFF If you’re one of those straight women absolutely determined to have a gay friend, here are some base-line rules.

Gay best friends are fun to have if you like people superficially! If you’re not a sociopath, you’ll understand that having a GBF (Gay Best Friend, if you will) is a dumb as shit reason to keep someone around.

Sexuality is fluid, it’s also a minute detail of someone’s personality. However, if you’re still one of those people determined to have a gay friend, here are some base-line rules I like to follow when befriending other straight people in a healthy and not insane way that you should apply to your own life.

We’re not your toys

I feel like due to pop-culture, young women have it in their heads that it is not only trendy to have a gay friend, it is actually required if you want to look progressive.

Gay. Men. Are. People. Not. Toys.

We’re not here just to be your wingmen or tell you how hot you look all the time. We’re not people you solely call for brunch, and we’re not people you constantly ask to make out with at a club when you’re drunk.

We’re humans with complex emotions, just because I have a dick and like dicks doesn’t mean I’m down to have you grab me and tell your friends I’m your “gay boyfriend.” I’m getting too old for that shit.

You’re not our toys either

Similarly, we’re not allowed to treat you like you’re an item either. There has been a lot of talk about misogyny among gay men towards women, and I’ll be the first to say I’ve witnessed it first hand.

There was a time in my life I thought it was FINE to call women “bitch,” or touch them without asking, because I thought it didn’t mean anything since there was zero sexual motivation behind my actions. This is completely inaccurate, wrong, and I was a fool.

Gay men should understand that women have to put up with bullshit from straight men all damn day, so we need to respect you just as much as you respect us. If you find a gay friend who grabs your ass without asking, or calls you, “slut,” stop being his friend. Not because he is gay, of course, but because he’s an asshole.

We might actually hate shopping

Despite what GIRLS or whatever the kids are watching these days may have taught you, some gay men actually hate shopping. While you may get lucky and find a gay friend who wants to look at you try on 30 different dresses for your Valentine’s Day date, most won’t. Don’t be offended if we say “fuck no” to shopping, just like we won’t be offended if you ask.

I don’t want to talk about your body

Unless I’ve made it explicitly clear I’m OK with talking about your body. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve just met have asked me if their boob jobs look OK or try to ask me if they look fat in their outfit like we’re there yet!

For me, it’s all about respecting my boundaries. I’m not afraid to look at your body, I just don’t want to be blindsided by your breasts because you assume they’ll do nothing for me.

Every friendship is different

I want to just point out that all of the above does not work for everyone. If you want a friend that will grab your boobs, make out with you at a club, and tell you what a slut you are after you hook up with someone — I’m almost positive there is a gay man out there who will fulfill your every desire.

However, I want to point out that while having a “gay friend” may look like fun, it may say more about your unwillingness to look into people’s personalities farther than their superficial qualities.

If you’re a woman on the hunt for a gay best friend, you might be stuck in 2011 or you may just need to open your eyes more to the idea that sexuality is such a small reason to be friends with someone it seems completely banal.

P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.

Shawn Binder is a Los Angeles based writer who has appeared in VICE and Hobart Pulp.

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No one wants to talk about the authors experience being manhandled by disrespectful straight women? It’s sexual harassment.

Trust me, even straight men can get tired of it, eventually. Takes a lot, but I have been uncomfortable a few times.

I think if you feel really upset about it, then charges against the woman are appropriate.

Ladies don’t assume you can just touch someone. I don’t touch people without permission, but then if I did, I’d go to prison. When have you?