Sure. Okay! YOUR family is just soooo fucking perfect. Everyone gets along! You love to spend hours catching up on the 364 days of the year. Breaking bread with blood is the best! Look at you special you you guy you. Golly and jolly! Yay Christmas! Yay Hanukkah!
Fuck Hanukkah. Fart Fuck Christmas. Yeah… Fart Fuck Christmas. “Hey, Andy why don’t you chill out, bro and get a grip! Be thankful for what you have! Life’s too short.” Fuck that guy (even though I wrote it; fuck me too.)
Like most of us, our immediate family (for lack of a better word)…suck. There’s a reason why you don’t talk to someone for 364 days of the year. Big family holiday gatherings usually feel like a chore or a death sentence nowhere near on the scale of fun. It’s a fucking obstacle that one needs to survive without accidentally giving oneself alcohol poisoning. Lucky for you, there’s a way to stun gun your holidays by being prepared.
CRAZY CRAFTY CRAPPY AUNT
WHO: The odd one in the family. Marches to the beat of the drum she made herself. Has a craft store on Etsy called “Crafty Critters.”
WHAT SHE WILL DO: Give you personalized, poorly made craft gifts such as a holiday themed reindeer tote bag with your name in cursive made out of yarn; a coffee mug she made in pottery class that looks more like a plate; a sweater she knitted with your name on it, expecting you to wear it for the duration of the month.
WHAT YOU WISH SHE WOULD DO: Give you a fucking gift card.
ADVICE: Before opening gifts, make sure to stretch out your face muscles as you’ll need to put on that painful fake smile as she clings on to your every emotion; do not falter or her feelings will be hurt causing a huge family fight.
WORLD WAR WHATEVER SENILE GRANDPA
WHO: Your Grandpa fought in Shay’s Rebellion, the Mexican-American War, the Civil War, ‘Nam and he just got back from a tour in Afghanistan.
WHAT HE WILL DO: He will tell you every war story that is completely not true but expects you to accept it. He’ll always be trailing off, leaving the story in mid-sentence as he moves on to talk about tacos or shoelaces. The stories are great the first time around, but after 20 years they are simply painful.
WHAT YOU WISH HE WOULD DO: Die.
ADVICE: Anytime you approach, make sure to bring your sister with you. After 20 seconds, excuse yourself because you have diarrhea (old people understand), push your sister closer to Grandpa and mouth the words “I’m sorry” knowing you just put her on top of a grenade.
WHO: Usually named Carl or Buck. He’s most likely a “future you.” He’s decided he can’t stand holidays any more than you can. The only difference is: he can’t stand all 365 days of the year.
WHAT HE WILL DO: Trust me. It will be a lot of fun for the first 30 minutes, but he will soon get sloppy. He will talking about his “bird dogging chick” days. Spilling win on himself. He will tempt you to drink with him every minute. He will then pass out. Suddenly wake up and rally for more. All before dinner is even served.
WHAT YOU WISH HE WOULD DO: Pass the fuck out and stay out.
ADVICE: It’s easy to get sucked into drinking with him. Don’t. You don’t have the stamina or chance to keep up with this man. Everyone has accepted “drunk uncle” but “drunk you” makes you just an asshole. Make sure you make all your younger little cousins keep him busy. Drunk Uncles love kids…mainly because they’ll be his waiter.
UNRELIABLE REBELLIOUS YOUNGER PUNK COUSIN
WHO: It could be a 11-16 year-old boy or girl. But really, this person is an IT. IT has every stereotypical emo/punk look in the book. IT doesn’t speak your language. IT curses a lot. IT doesn’t know dick about the world yet.
WHAT IT WILL DO: Sit in the corner with headphones on jamming to whatever the “punk” equivalent of One Direction is. Thinks IT is sticking it to the man by not passing the gravy boat when a relative asks.
WHAT YOU WISH IT WOULD DO: Walk the streets without their parent’s money, disobey laws to see how much they really do need “the man.”
ADVICE: Booze. It’s the only language you can speak to IT. Rebellious whatevers love booze. Plus, since IT is probably underage, you look that much cooler “flipping off the law” by sneaking IT a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
TOO HONEST SUICIDE WATCH COUSIN IN-LAW
WHO: A guy who has been married to your cousin for about 2-4 years.
WHAT HE WILL DO: Drink way too much white wine which will lead him to disclose way too much personal information such as: bank statements, lack of bedroom activity, and his 40lb weight gain since getting married. He needs a friend. Someone to listen to. This guy is so pathetic he will make you feel bad for not being his best friend. He’ll even want to make future plans with you for lunch or some shit.
WHAT YOU WISH HE WOULD DO: Get a divorce.
ADVICE: Pretend like you actually care and give him a number for a “good” therapist. The therapist does not have to be good. Heck, it could be a back alley address where a bum lives. Just give him something. He will think you care, walk away and you won’t have to deal with him again for another year.
THE WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AGAIN AWKWARD HUMAN BODY
WHO: Ugh. That dude in the corner. Against the wall. Someone’s new boyfriend.
WHAT HE WILL DO: He will linger awkwardly, clutching and nursing a Michelob Ultra as if he’s holding top secret information.
WHAT YOU WISH HE WOULD DO:
ADVICE: No one wants him there. NO ONE. He’s an outsider. Avoid eye contact with him. Make sure you’re three feet distance from a door so you can duck and dodge away if he approaches. Better yet…drop him off like a grenade to Grandpa.
P.S. Protect yourself from the coming data-powered panopticon by getting a VPN.