I love it when this happens: some single guy friend of Mr.JudgyBitch, hungry for some family time, ends up sitting at our dining room table, a plate of something warm and delicious in front of him, children cavorting silly and funny all around, a cat curled up under his feet and a glass of something fortifying at hand. He looks around, sighs, and says, “JudgyBitch, why aren’t there more of you?”
The truth is there ARE lots of women like me: women who value home and family more than cash and credit in their own names. Women who like being First Officer and are happy to have a Captain who takes the main responsibility for the crew. Women who make other people’s happiness their own, and who don’t have to TRY to do that, it’s just how they are.
The trick is to be able to recognize those women when you meet them, and to see the red flags that tell you when you’re going down the wrong track. So here is JudgyBitch’s advice for single men on how to find a wife.
How much does she weigh?
People come in all different shapes and sizes, and there is no wrong or right shape. There’s only what you prefer, and you are entitled to your preference. Start with that. Do NOT marry someone you do NOT find physically attractive. It will not get better. It will get worse, and that’s a terrible position to be in – married to someone you don’t fancy. Having said that, you need to ask IS HER WEIGHT STABLE? Whether you prefer the softly rounded or the slender, the athletic or the sturdy, a stable weight goes hand in hand with a stable mind. Look at pictures of her over time. Wildly fluctuating weight is a sign of mental disturbance, and that is just what you do NOT want.
How much does she care about her clothes?
Again, it doesn’t matter what your preference, fashion-wise is. A pretty country dress, blue jeans and t-shirt, yoga pants or metropolitan chic. WHAT she wears doesn’t matter, but how much she CARES certainly does. First of all, it can cost a shitload of money to keep a fashion conscious girl in circulation. That is NOT what you want to spend your family’s money on. Second, someone who invests a lot of time thinking about herself and what she looks like is not likely to be spending a lot of time thinking about YOU. And fuck that right there. Check out her closets. Are they stuffed to the seams with clothes and shoes and boots and accessories? Yes? Pass on her. Not what you want.
Does she care if you are hungry?
Young women today have very few domestic skills, a sad result of growing up with mothers who preferred cubicles and frozen pizza to a kitchen and fresh bread. Those skills can be learned, however, and all it takes is practice and desire. Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich. She can learn how to do those things. What she CAN’T do is learn how to care. She does or she doesn’t. A woman who will bring you take-out, or heat soup from a can or pick up some bread and cheese from the bakery because YOU are hungry is on the right path. It’s all about attitude. Wanting to go out for dinner because SHE wants to is very different from wanting to go get dinner because YOU have had a long shitty day and she’s knows your favourite Mexican restaurant is just what you need. Caring about you starts with caring about what and when you eat. It’s really that simple.
Does she have a loving family and close friends?
Women who DON’T have these things should not be off the table automatically, because no one chooses their family, but a woman without a family or friends should be dealt with very cautiously. There might be a good reason she has no friends. Beware of women who say things like “I don’t like hanging out with women. They’re so bitchy/catty/dramatic/blah blah. I prefer the company of men.” That’s a huge red flag right there. There are plenty of women I hate and would not voluntarily spend one second with, but I also have a group of like-minded ladies who walk through life with me and I LOVE them to pieces. A woman who prefers the company of men over all women has a problem with lack of male attention. She probably grew up in a single parent household, and it’s unlikely she is going to be satisfied with just YOUR attention. Give her a miss.
Does she have an inner life?
A woman with an inner life does things that allow her to contemplate the world from someone else’s perspective. Whether that involves reading or analyzing baseball games or volunteering at the animal shelter, it means she has some capacity to consider the needs of others. There’s a clue there, dudes. If you’re actively looking for women who read/analyze/volunteer, you should spend some time at the bookstore/arena/shelter. Become a familiar face and you might find a willing conversational partner and then take it from there.
Does she like children?
That’s a deal breaker. A woman who doesn’t like children is a woman who doesn’t like vulnerability, chaos, responsibility, obligation, patience or cheer. Lots of women will say “oh, I would love my OWN children, I just can’t stand other people’s children.” That is a woman who considers children personal property and you are in for a hot mess of hurt and a lifetime of child support if you fall for one of those ladies. The slightest hint of not liking children should send you running for the hills. The failure to see children everywhere as little people deserving of love and guidance and patience and tolerance is fatal flaw. Run, lads!
Does she want a big wedding?
In certain cultures, big weddings are an expectation and par for the course. JudgyBitch’s youngest brother UPSGuy, married into a huge Italian family, and the wedding was insane, but necessary. Mrs.UPSGuy would have been happy to elope, but her 285 cousins would have killed her. So a big wedding it was, but in general, the desire for a big wedding is a hint that you have found a Princess, and not in a good way. A Princess is an entitled narcissist who thinks everything and everyone should be about HER and her Big Day! You are an accessory and not much more. That’s not a good thing. Princesses expect life to treat them royally simply by virtue of being born and they have little concept of what their duties and responsibilities are in relation to the kingdom. Ditch the Princess and look for a Queen. A Queen is different. She understands that she has obligations and that her privilege comes with a price, which she is more than willing to pay. A Princess will see you as a Daddy, who ought to take care of her and indulge her every whim. A Queen knows you are the King, and commands alongside you.
A word about the dress, though. The Dress lives in every woman’s imagination and it will cost a lot for something that only gets worn once (although I wear mine every anniversary). But there is a LOT and then A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. A big creamy taffeta and silk confection can be had for a couple hundred dollars and that is a lot of money, but if you can afford it, it will melt her heart and make her feel like she is living in a dream. With you.
Does she wear sensible shoes?
Ok, this one is a personal peeve. I just think a girl in sensible shoes has her head on straight and knows that sometimes life will throw you a curveball and you need have your feet on the ground, solidly and be ready to catch or get the hell out of the way. Sensible shoes doesn’t mean ugly shoes. It means practical, comfortable and affordable. Just what your wife should be.
Ask her about circumcision
Prepare for a great deal of ignorance, because many women (and men) have given this zero thought at all. A woman who is instinctively repulsed by the thought of harming a child in this way gets one gold star. A woman who declares that a mutilated penis pleases her sense of aesthetics should immediately be shown the door. A woman who mistakenly believes genital mutilation is about sanitation and health is merely ignorant. She should be given an opportunity to learn and demonstrate her compassion for infant boys. Not caring about hurting babies is a deal-breaker, IMO.
Find out her thoughts on abortion
This is obviously deeply personal and complicated. I’m not even sure what I think about abortion, but I have never faced needing one. My chain of thought at the moment is that at some point that little clump of cells divides to the point that a person exists. A tiny little brain becomes active, even at a primitive level, and an “I” exists. I would like to see us be able to detect that using prenatal imaging, at which point I am very comfortable banning all abortion for any reason. That is no longer your body, and no longer your choice.
Whatever your personal feelings about abortion, you will be able to deduce a lot from a woman based on her opinions. You can’t legally prevent a woman from aborting your child, so if that’s a deal-breaker for you, you need to find out sooner than later.
So there you have it. What to look for in a wife. Where to find her? Hell if I know. But she’s out there. Don’t settle for anything less.
Indefinitely retired because of threats against her children. Janet has graciously allowed us to republish some of her now vanished articles.