Let’s get something straight first – anal sex is not ‘the easiest way to get AIDS’ and it’s not ‘naughty’. In Tristan Taormino’s book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, she mentions these and other myths about anal sex which I think are worth mentioning here. Anal sex is not unnatural or amoral. It’s not just for gay men, perverts, or weirdos any longer. It doesn’t have to be dirty and messy. Straight men who like it are not gay as a result, and women can and do enjoy anal sex.
Should sex be reserved purely for reproduction? If you’re reading this then I assume that, like me, you believe the answer to that question is no. If that’s the case, then why believe all that rubbish? Why not test your boundaries and explore new sensations? It could be the most intense pleasure you’ve ever experienced and who’d want to deny themselves that? In this particular case though, it definitely pays to be prepared rather than jumping right in.
Sex educator Lou Paget addresses anal sex in chapter eight of her book for women, How to be a Great Lover, which is a rather good resource if you’re just getting started. In this chapter she debunks myths, provides facts and gives many handy tips on technique. One point of note is a passage regarding men who ask for anal sex and how some can make it seem like it’s bad to say no:
“Let it be known that one’s openness and comfort level with this, or any other sexual idea, has nothing to do with one’s skill or prowess. […] Gentlemen request — they do not pressure, and those gentlemen typically get what they want.”
Do not feel pressurized into doing anything you don’t want to do and, similarly, don’t force your partner into trying anything they don’t want to either. When it is explored carefully and with sensitivity on both sides anal sex can be fantastic, but don’t rush in to anything you’re unsure about. Try experimenting first and see how it goes.
A personal friend and self-professed ‘anal queen’ gave me the following tips to share with you:
“Best way to experiment with anal is to slide a finger up your partners bum and wank them, while letting them relax and lie back. Then you can see how they respond to your finger(s) and also they can learn to relax. Taking big toys is, to a certain degree, just a matter of practice and knowing how to relax your body. I think it’s easier when you’re astride your partner too, because your lower abdomen is slightly stretched in that position, which relaxes it. From behind is often quite hard to do as you can tighten up.”
If, after all this, you’re curious and perhaps keen to give it a try, here are some more handy hints to get you started.
Keep it clean
Washing beforehand is a sure fire way to a more comfortable and confident anal experience for all concerned. Ideally, get yourself a douche to help with this. They’re surprisingly easy to use and really effective.
Start and end slowly
Using fingers – one at a time – and small toys to build up to penetration is a good way to remain relaxed throughout. Take your time and you’ll enjoy it more. If you’re on the receiving end, don’t be afraid to say “slow down” or “stop” because it will take time to find the right rhythm. Also, if you’d prefer to control the speed yourself, why not go on top?
Keep fingernails short and toys smooth
You’d be surprised just how much you can feel the slightest rough edge down there. If in doubt about your nails, try them out on yourself, or use disposable gloves. Remember to use gentle pressure with fingers and toys and try different movements rather than just in and out.
From a safety point of view this is really important but it also helps the partner on the receiving end because it makes a penis as easy to take in as a smooth toy. You won’t need to worry about him whining about lack of sensation either as it’s so much tighter down there that he’ll definitely be having a great time!
Use plenty of lube
Good quality lubricant is your best investment when it comes to anal play as the experience can quickly be ruined by the presence of even a tiny bit of friction. It’s best not to shop on the high street for this. Venture into sex shops or look online. Something silicone-based like ID Millennium Lube is ideal because it’s latex compatible but stays slippy longer than water-based lubricants, plus a little goes a long way.
More tricky than it sounds, I know, but it will help. Don’t worry about trying to make it all work perfectly first time, as that’ll just ensure you tense up. Experiment to find what feels good and don’t be worried if your partner says something’s not working for them or isn’t enjoyable. It will be, eventually, so keep practicing. Good things come to those who wait. Also, one tip that helps to relax once something is in, is to “push out.” That sounds weird and gross, but that particular movement relaxes the muscles and the discomfort will lessen significantly.